Where the hell is Charlie?

So we just had another little scandal involving a Captain who apparently forged some time sheets while he was assigned to the Rat Squad as a Lieutenant. Before this stuff starts really snowballing out of control I wanted to find out from Charlie himself just what exactly is going on with his bureau. How could he not have caught this a long time ago?

Anyway, I was going to call him up and have him come to my office. But then I remembered that he doesn't do the whole "show up at the Commissioner's office for a briefing" thing anymore. As of late I'm afraid he's gotten a bit too much into this whole cloak and dagger fantasy of his. He prefers to "stay in the shadows" (his words), as if he's some kind of CIA operative or something. I haven't even seen the man in over a year; and judging from all the scandals that have been happening lately, it seems to be showing in his work - or lack thereof. I'm not even sure if Charlie does any Internal Affairs-ish type stuff anymore.

Sometimes I even wonder if he's actually completely lost his mind. The last time I saw him was towards the end of 2006. He insisted on meeting me in some deserted industrial warehouse area out on Staten Island at 0200 hours in the morning. On the way over he kept calling me up on my cell phone and telling me to "make sure" I wasn't "being followed." And when I arrived at the meeting location he started screaming and raving about how I hadn't brought "the package" (by which he apparently meant an ample supply of cheese, though it took a lot of coaxing for him to finally translate his codeword for me). On top of that, he was wearing an ankle long trenchcoat with a fedora on his head. He hadn't shaved in what looked like months, as his whiskers were sticking out the sides of his face at ridiculous lengths. I was too afraid to quote Patrol Guide procedure on proper grooming for fear of setting him off on another insanely unintelligible rant.

Despite all this, I figured I might as well give it a shot and try to get in touch with him. Unfortunately, his cell phone number is out-of-service. I called his office but was stonewalled by some clown in "Group 32" who would only identify himself as "Investigator 312," who claimed he was under strict orders not to reveal Charlie's location. These guys were really starting to take the cake now. "You clowns couldn't tell what an internal investigation was if it hit you in the head and you're telling me you're refusing to disclose Charlie's location to the POLICE COMMISSIONER?" I was fuming. Investigator 312 simply said "We'll be in touch" and hung up.

I don't know what the hell Charlie has created here, but this isn't exactly the Internal Affairs Bureau I had in mind when I gave him the job. Holy shit, this guy is scaring me.

If anybody sees Charlie, please call me up. Immediately.