The press release that Paul whipped up yesterday, as posted on the NYPD website:
"Subject: MAYOR BLOOMBERG AND COMMISSIONER KELLY ANNOUNCE THAT CITY IS ON COURSE TO HAVE ANOTHER YEAR OF DECLINING CRIME."
Subject: Mayor Bloomberg and Commissioner Kelly announce that city is on course to have another year of declining crime, if you don't consider murders and robberies to be crimes worth noting.
"City Has Had Fewer Than 600 Murders Seven Years Running"
City has more murders this year than last, but let's not stress that.
"City on Track for Second-Lowest Ever Number of Murders Since Comparable Records Have Been Kept"
We're hoping you don't focus on that "second-lowest" part.
"Despite Economic Slowdown, Crime Continues to Fall in Every Borough"
Except for murders and robberies, of course. And remember that "economic slowdown" part, because we're going to use it next year to explain why crime is on the rise.
"Since 2001, Steep Drops in All Categories; Rapes Have Declined by Over One-third Since 2001"
Since 2007, murders and robberies are up. This year actually sucked, so let's compare it to a more favorable year: 2001. Next year we'll be saying we're seeing impressively steep drops compared to 1993.
"Mayor Michael R. Bloomberg and Police Commissioner Raymond W. Kelly today announced that crime in New York City fell again in 2008, marking the eighteenth straight year in which major felony crime has declined. Included in the most recent crime statistics are reductions in every borough and in nearly every category. Overall, major felony crime in New York City has fallen four percent this year compared to last year, and nearly thirty percent since 2001. The City is on track to record the second-lowest number of murders since comparable records have been kept – second only to the number recorded in 2007. "
Compared to 2001 the numbers are phenomenally great. Please don't ask us why of all the years we're choosing to compare everything to 2001 in particular. (Hint: because it makes the 2008 numbers look the most impressive, even when they really aren't that great.)
" “Before 2002, the City had never recorded fewer than 600 murders a year – but now we’ll do it seven years running,” said Mayor Bloomberg. “The continuing reduction of crime is a testament to the quality of our police force – the finest in the world – and to our determination to find innovative ways of turning up the heat on criminals. In the months after 9/11 – when the economic outlook was particularly bleak – we were determined to make our streets safer and more livable. Thanks to the men and women of the NYPD, we achieved it. For that, New York’s Finest deserve our praise, they put their lives on the line every day to keep the rest of us safe, and over the past seven years they have produced some amazing results.”"
We're invoking 9/11 so that you don't ask any critical questions.
"“Supported by technology advances like the Real Time Crime Center, the men and women of the NYPD accomplished what many said could not be done: that is, drive crime to 'impossible' lows beyond what was achieved by 2001,” said Commissioner Kelly. “By the end of 2008, crime has been cut by more than 28 percent from where it stood in 2001. We’ve experienced the second lowest murder rate (last year was the lowest) since comparable records were kept, beginning 45 years ago. Subway crime is the lowest in memory. We have a great deal to celebrate and for which to be grateful as the year comes to a close.”"
We have a really cool Real Time Crime Center at One Police Plaza. Hopefully you will be so in awe of this great innovation that you'll forget that police officers are still using typewriters for essential tasks. Yes, we really are that modern.
"“The steps we have taken to keep New Yorkers safer are paying off,” said John Feinblatt, the Mayor’s Criminal Justice Coordinator. “New York City now has the toughest law in the country against illegal possession of a loaded gun, and that has increased the length of sentences for gun criminals. We have also successfully sued out-of-state gun dealers who sold illegally and toughened enforcement here at home, all to keep police officers and the people they protect safer.”"
Let's throw in a quote from some guy nobody has ever heard of, namely the "Mayor's Criminal Justice Coordinator." Doesn't that sound impressive? Let's ignore the fact that the only justice coordinating going on regarding loaded guns is the kind that is allowing a record number of cases to be plead down so far that the resulting conviction is about as tough as an 80-year-old paraplegic in a boxing match.
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
Saturday, October 18, 2008
The Impossible Missions Force
So I had a brief hiatus from writing in my little secret diary here, but fear not, I spent the interim doing important commissioner stuff. The good news is that I'm back in full force as of today. While I was away, I was busily pretending to be Jim Phelps, the Director of the Impossible Missions Force in the Mission Impossible TV series from back in the good old days. I commanded a really advanced clandestine-style computer crimes operation. (Whereby "commanded" I mean sat in my office here on the 14th floor sipping coffee and contemplating just how bloody awesome I am. I do that so much these days I think I forgot how to actually command anything beyond a private expedition to my office toilet for my morning dump.)
But back to the story at hand, my proof was printed by my loyal reporter minions at the Pravda... *cough*... I mean, of course, the NY Daily News newspaper. And by "loyal reporter minions" I mean independent journalists. Obviously.
Anyway, here it is:
"Cops nabbed more alleged scammers in a Touro College cash-for-grades sting, using techniques straight out of 'Mission: Impossible.'"
That's right. They said "Mission: Impossible." I am so f$@ing cool.
"Armed with a 'sneak-and-peek' search warrant, investigators from the NYPD computer crimes squad crept into Andrique Baron's admissions office at the school after hours."
Outstanding job by the computer crimes squad. Not because of the pinch itself, but simply because this article makes me look good. They could have spent the entire day doing cartwheels across campus for all I care. If the newspaper thinks it's good, so do I. And I'm really glad the reporters are always so dazzled by this kind of high-tech gadgetry that they forget to point out how cops in regular precincts are still using typewriters.
Yes, that's right.
Typewriters...
...in the year 2008. Mission: Impossible indeed. This will be our little secret, OK?
But back to the story at hand, my proof was printed by my loyal reporter minions at the Pravda... *cough*... I mean, of course, the NY Daily News newspaper. And by "loyal reporter minions" I mean independent journalists. Obviously.
Anyway, here it is:
"Cops nabbed more alleged scammers in a Touro College cash-for-grades sting, using techniques straight out of 'Mission: Impossible.'"
That's right. They said "Mission: Impossible." I am so f$@ing cool.
"Armed with a 'sneak-and-peek' search warrant, investigators from the NYPD computer crimes squad crept into Andrique Baron's admissions office at the school after hours."
Outstanding job by the computer crimes squad. Not because of the pinch itself, but simply because this article makes me look good. They could have spent the entire day doing cartwheels across campus for all I care. If the newspaper thinks it's good, so do I. And I'm really glad the reporters are always so dazzled by this kind of high-tech gadgetry that they forget to point out how cops in regular precincts are still using typewriters.
Yes, that's right.
Typewriters...
...in the year 2008. Mission: Impossible indeed. This will be our little secret, OK?
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Proposed interim order on video recorded arrests
Folks, times have changed since I first started out on the streets of New York as a patrolman. The pervasiveness of cell phone cameras combined with the popularity of YouTube have lead me to believe that a new strategy is in order for the police department.
So I've come up with a proposed interim order (which I've more or less de-facto implemented already, but here it is in writing).
*****
Interim Order #[minion will insert number here]: Concerning Arrests Recorded On Video and Published On the Internet Or Played On Evening News
Any arrest meeting the following criteria:
1) Physical force is used.
2) It is captured via a video recording device.
3) Recorded footage from said device is either: a. Uploaded to YouTube or a similar video sharing site, or, b. Broadcast on a news channel.
If above criteria is met, the uniformed member(s) of the service involved shall be placed on modified assignment for the duration of a lengthy bureaucratic investigation.
Important Note: Complete compliance with all departmental guidelines, laws, and the use of force in a manner as prescribed by Police Academy training during the arrest in question, is in fact entirely irrelevant to the matter. Modification shall occur in all above cases, no matter the correctness of the actions taken by the officer(s) involved.
*****
Now, granted, the rank and file are not going to like this. Because, after all, at face value it is pretty stupid to automatically modify a police officer for doing his job by the book just because it is captured on camera (this cop even used those green zones and everything, just as taught in the academy).
But the fact is, dear readers, that the New York City political winds - strong as they are - trump everything. If it's at the cost of real leadership, reason, and actually growing a pair against absurd press sensationalism; well, then so be it.
So I've come up with a proposed interim order (which I've more or less de-facto implemented already, but here it is in writing).
*****
Interim Order #[minion will insert number here]: Concerning Arrests Recorded On Video and Published On the Internet Or Played On Evening News
Any arrest meeting the following criteria:
1) Physical force is used.
2) It is captured via a video recording device.
3) Recorded footage from said device is either: a. Uploaded to YouTube or a similar video sharing site, or, b. Broadcast on a news channel.
If above criteria is met, the uniformed member(s) of the service involved shall be placed on modified assignment for the duration of a lengthy bureaucratic investigation.
Important Note: Complete compliance with all departmental guidelines, laws, and the use of force in a manner as prescribed by Police Academy training during the arrest in question, is in fact entirely irrelevant to the matter. Modification shall occur in all above cases, no matter the correctness of the actions taken by the officer(s) involved.
*****
Now, granted, the rank and file are not going to like this. Because, after all, at face value it is pretty stupid to automatically modify a police officer for doing his job by the book just because it is captured on camera (this cop even used those green zones and everything, just as taught in the academy).
But the fact is, dear readers, that the New York City political winds - strong as they are - trump everything. If it's at the cost of real leadership, reason, and actually growing a pair against absurd press sensationalism; well, then so be it.
Thursday, July 10, 2008
1,053 summonses
I just got the final report this morning and it's already hit the paper.
Long story short, I had IAB issue 1,053 parking summonses to New York City Police Department personnel and had 137 of their vehicles towed. I tried to call up Charlie to congratulate him on this outstanding accomplishment, but the Lieutenant who answered the phone said Charlie was "out to lunch."
Oh well, I'm just happy to see the Internal Affairs Bureau fighting such major corruption. Excellent. Maybe this will stop the even more serious corruption, like bank robberies and such. You know, like that Broken Windows Theory thing that bastard Bratton used in the 1990s. Or something.
Long story short, I had IAB issue 1,053 parking summonses to New York City Police Department personnel and had 137 of their vehicles towed. I tried to call up Charlie to congratulate him on this outstanding accomplishment, but the Lieutenant who answered the phone said Charlie was "out to lunch."
Oh well, I'm just happy to see the Internal Affairs Bureau fighting such major corruption. Excellent. Maybe this will stop the even more serious corruption, like bank robberies and such. You know, like that Broken Windows Theory thing that bastard Bratton used in the 1990s. Or something.
The Post is still onboard
After the traitors at the NY Times posted this atrocious little piece on supposedly "rising" crime the other day, I was happy to see that the boys at the NY Post are still toeing the line.
In particular, they wrote this:
"Under Commissioner Ray Kelly, the NYPD has developed an unmatched ability to rapidly mobilize and deploy its officers to trouble spots."
Don't tell anyone that I was seemingly unable to "develop" this "unmatched ability" until after Bratton's "I cut the murder rate by 70%" tenure. Please don't draw your own conclusions based on this fact.
Those assholes at the New York Times better get back with the program or they're going to find out that their press passes have prematurely expired. Oh, and crime is down.
In particular, they wrote this:
"Under Commissioner Ray Kelly, the NYPD has developed an unmatched ability to rapidly mobilize and deploy its officers to trouble spots."
Don't tell anyone that I was seemingly unable to "develop" this "unmatched ability" until after Bratton's "I cut the murder rate by 70%" tenure. Please don't draw your own conclusions based on this fact.
Those assholes at the New York Times better get back with the program or they're going to find out that their press passes have prematurely expired. Oh, and crime is down.
Sunday, May 11, 2008
The adventures of Ziggy
So now even my three-star chiefs can't keep themselves out of the negative limelight.
Now, obviously, Ziggy was wrong. He violated established protocol on this one. The on-duty officers are in charge and what you do is comply with the orders. If he had done that, everyone would have been on their merry way (or, sitting off-duty in a department SUV for hours on end doing God-knows-what). I don't know what got into Ziggy expecting street cops to recognize him. Seriously, who the hell cares about the Chief of Community Affairs? This is a useless post I created to park this zero until his retirement. Is he really that delusional as to think anyone but those light-blue windbreaker wearing asskissers in his office at 1PP would know who he is? I myself even have trouble remembering this clown anymore these days, as his relevance to this department is incredibly minimal.
(And it's not like this is the first time Ziggy-the-jackass has gotten into confrontations with on-duty law enforcement officials. I seem to vaguely recall him getting a Secret Service firearm pointed at him for being an idiot inside the security perimeter of the Waldorf during a Presidential visit. I can't remember the specifics though, because quite frankly Ziggy just isn't that memorable of a person to recall much more about this.)
I do wonder what's next with this moron, perhaps dressing up in dirty jeans and a ripped up t-shirt, pushing a shopping cart full of garbage around in front of One Police Plaza, rambling delusional statements about racist conspiracies against him while waving his service weapon around in the air, and then screaming at the headquarters security staff for not "knowing who I am"? I wouldn't be surprised.
Of course, for political pandering reasons, obviously, I can't just go strip him of a star or two (or perhaps even bump this idiot back down to Inspector or Captain). It would be well-deserved, but politics is politics. I did, however, send him a bill for all that taxpayer funded fuel he's been wasting during his off-duty SUV adventures.
Now, obviously, Ziggy was wrong. He violated established protocol on this one. The on-duty officers are in charge and what you do is comply with the orders. If he had done that, everyone would have been on their merry way (or, sitting off-duty in a department SUV for hours on end doing God-knows-what). I don't know what got into Ziggy expecting street cops to recognize him. Seriously, who the hell cares about the Chief of Community Affairs? This is a useless post I created to park this zero until his retirement. Is he really that delusional as to think anyone but those light-blue windbreaker wearing asskissers in his office at 1PP would know who he is? I myself even have trouble remembering this clown anymore these days, as his relevance to this department is incredibly minimal.
(And it's not like this is the first time Ziggy-the-jackass has gotten into confrontations with on-duty law enforcement officials. I seem to vaguely recall him getting a Secret Service firearm pointed at him for being an idiot inside the security perimeter of the Waldorf during a Presidential visit. I can't remember the specifics though, because quite frankly Ziggy just isn't that memorable of a person to recall much more about this.)
I do wonder what's next with this moron, perhaps dressing up in dirty jeans and a ripped up t-shirt, pushing a shopping cart full of garbage around in front of One Police Plaza, rambling delusional statements about racist conspiracies against him while waving his service weapon around in the air, and then screaming at the headquarters security staff for not "knowing who I am"? I wouldn't be surprised.
Of course, for political pandering reasons, obviously, I can't just go strip him of a star or two (or perhaps even bump this idiot back down to Inspector or Captain). It would be well-deserved, but politics is politics. I did, however, send him a bill for all that taxpayer funded fuel he's been wasting during his off-duty SUV adventures.
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
The three shots rule
Since people have been asking me privately about that whole "three shots and re-assess the situation" procedure I mentioned a few times, let me just come out and say it:
I made it up. It's completely fabricated. We've never had such a rule, at least not during my entire career in this department.
I tell you this because a few individuals in my inner circle were becoming convinced that I must be losing my mind. Not to worry, I was completely aware that I was manufacturing a large helping of proverbial bovine excrement.
Update: David just called and said he knows some people who can back-date an Interim Order or something and make it look like this has been on the books for years. Mordechai will be dispatched to break into the appropriate record rooms to "plant" the orders in strategic locations. So forget I even said anything about this at all.
I made it up. It's completely fabricated. We've never had such a rule, at least not during my entire career in this department.
I tell you this because a few individuals in my inner circle were becoming convinced that I must be losing my mind. Not to worry, I was completely aware that I was manufacturing a large helping of proverbial bovine excrement.
Update: David just called and said he knows some people who can back-date an Interim Order or something and make it look like this has been on the books for years. Mordechai will be dispatched to break into the appropriate record rooms to "plant" the orders in strategic locations. So forget I even said anything about this at all.
Sunday, April 13, 2008
The NYC Robbery Department
Why am I posting a photograph of a banking establishment on my blog? Because this just happened a few days ago:
"NYPD cop Christian Torres, busted in Pennsylvania Thursday in a botched bank heist is suspected of robbing two other banks in Manhattan last year."
My first question after punching my fist through my office wall (and seriously hurting myself by slamming it into that first slab of reinforced concrete that we're building to house the secret counterterrorism vault), was why the hell this ass-hat had to generate two index crimes in Manhattan last year. Couldn't he have at least confined his unauthorized off-duty self-employment to Pennsylvania?
I'm also very upset that this clown was a former member of my prized Cadet Corps. That's where I started back in the day, pushing and shuffling important pieces of paper through the echelons of bureaucracy. Naturally, I wanted to immediately rip into whichever sorry excuse was in charge of hiring this idiot and making me look bad. I guess I really shouldn't have been surprised when I found out that the previous commanding officer of the Cadet Corps had his own little scandal unfold in the form of a domestic disaster last year. Decide for yourself what this Captain was doing in his office when he should have been working, but I'm pretty sure he wasn't meticulously reviewing applications.
And after the current Cadet Corps C.O. was finished kissing my proverbial behind, he - of course - professed to have been "taken by surprise" at this whole incident. Whatever.
So I called up Rafael next. He tried to heap shovels full of bovine excrement my way by playing semantics. Because Rafael apparently thinks that no actual investigation needs to "necessarily" take place, since the unit responsible is called "Application Processing Division" instead of "Application Investigation Division." I was about to launch Rafael's career into the vast depths of Viper Hell when George walked in and stopped me.
"Boss, I overheard your conversation while walking down the hall. Rafael's just doing his job. There's a reason we don't investigate as deeply as we used to," George proclaimed. "And why would that be," I asked. "Because we don't exactly want to find certain 'stuff' in people's backgrounds, if you know what I mean. That could - unnecessarily, of course - delay a candidate's entry into the academy."
I have to admit, George makes an excellent point. Also, Paul assures me that this whole story will get buried soon enough anyway. But even as I sit here massaging my bruised knuckles I can't help but feel that this is only the first wave in what is turning into a dangerous storm.
Still, I do have to wonder why we employ "investigators" at APD who supposedly couldn't find a single problem in this crooked rookie's "meticulous" background, yet a couple of armchair Sherlock Holmes types armed with a simple Google search uncovered this genius' MySpace profile about five minutes after the story broke? How is this possible? Are we shooting for the Guinness World Record in investigatorial incompetence or something?
And where the bloody hell is Charlie? Is he even on our payroll anymore?
Saturday, April 5, 2008
The Economist & "NYPD blues"
Breakfast didn't go well at all this morning. Not only did I burn my two slices of toast (stupid toaster), but my favorite magazine, The Economist, published a critical piece on the NYPD's recruitment efforts in their latest issue.
Now, I won't deny that we have a recruitment problem. But I still expect my minions to toe the official line that everything is actually just fine and rosy. The article opens with this disgraceful remark:
"“BEING a cop was a great job in the late '80s. It paid well. Now, I would never encourage people to do it,” confides a veteran New York police officer."
Who does this "veteran New York police officer" think he is? This wasn't cleared through Paul's office. I've dispatched Mordechai to find this clown. I told him he can pull a couple of IAB guys off the important Bronx Court House Parking Placard Enforcement Unit for this (but only for a few days, as placard enforcement is a high priority with our new PlacardStat meeting coming up soon).
I have to admit though, I was happy they printed our official line on why we've been having so many academy drop-outs in our last couple of classes:
"The department cannot even hold on to the recruits it does manage to find. Since the salary cut, the numbers graduating from its police academy have steadily fallen. Of the 1,968 hired in July 2005, 1,736 graduated, but only 914 graduated out of the 1,142 hired last summer. The NYPD blames a combination of tougher academic standards and reduced pay."
I literally fell off my chair when I read that one (and, unfortunately, took my entire tablecloth along with a full cup of coffee and other assorted breakfast items with me). Because, in all honesty, if you really believe that we've implemented "tougher academic standards" then I have an entire police department to sell you, complete with overseas Intell detectives. But, I have to confess, it sure does sound good and most people tend to be idiots who actually believe crap like that, so I guess it works out for us.
However, I really don't know what the hell Paul was thinking when he told them this:
"Paul Browne, the deputy police commissioner, says the NYPD “is keeping all the balls in the air”, but conceded it cannot continue indefinitely."
Balls in the air? WTF is that even supposed to mean? Needless to say, I called Paul up and screamed at him for ten minutes about this entire article. We're going to suspend the Economist's press passes for a couple of months. That should clear things up a bit with them on how we do business, I think.
Now, I won't deny that we have a recruitment problem. But I still expect my minions to toe the official line that everything is actually just fine and rosy. The article opens with this disgraceful remark:
"“BEING a cop was a great job in the late '80s. It paid well. Now, I would never encourage people to do it,” confides a veteran New York police officer."
Who does this "veteran New York police officer" think he is? This wasn't cleared through Paul's office. I've dispatched Mordechai to find this clown. I told him he can pull a couple of IAB guys off the important Bronx Court House Parking Placard Enforcement Unit for this (but only for a few days, as placard enforcement is a high priority with our new PlacardStat meeting coming up soon).
I have to admit though, I was happy they printed our official line on why we've been having so many academy drop-outs in our last couple of classes:
"The department cannot even hold on to the recruits it does manage to find. Since the salary cut, the numbers graduating from its police academy have steadily fallen. Of the 1,968 hired in July 2005, 1,736 graduated, but only 914 graduated out of the 1,142 hired last summer. The NYPD blames a combination of tougher academic standards and reduced pay."
I literally fell off my chair when I read that one (and, unfortunately, took my entire tablecloth along with a full cup of coffee and other assorted breakfast items with me). Because, in all honesty, if you really believe that we've implemented "tougher academic standards" then I have an entire police department to sell you, complete with overseas Intell detectives. But, I have to confess, it sure does sound good and most people tend to be idiots who actually believe crap like that, so I guess it works out for us.
However, I really don't know what the hell Paul was thinking when he told them this:
"Paul Browne, the deputy police commissioner, says the NYPD “is keeping all the balls in the air”, but conceded it cannot continue indefinitely."
Balls in the air? WTF is that even supposed to mean? Needless to say, I called Paul up and screamed at him for ten minutes about this entire article. We're going to suspend the Economist's press passes for a couple of months. That should clear things up a bit with them on how we do business, I think.
Monday, March 24, 2008
Did we run out of cheese?
I thought it would be a relaxing weekend until I stumbled across this article in Sunday's Daily News. What a rag that paper is. They wrote about another Rat Squad scandal wherein a Rat Detective abused his power and threatened to "wreck" a street cop's career if he didn't "take care of" a summons this street cop issued to the rat's cousin.
Maybe we're not pulling these press credentials quickly enough. I left a message on Paul's phone. This is unacceptable. As to this rat, I have dispatched Mordechai and his team. By tomorrow morning, this "detective" will be living his worst nightmare. Mordechai is going to "render" this rat to a secret location, where he will be dressed in full uniform, given a vest, gunbelt, and radio, and will then be dropped off in the middle of the Brownsville Houses. Viper would have been too easy for this coward.
(Unfortunately, I can't reveal more about Mordechai, but let's just say David knows some people from his CIA days and the Police Foundation's counterterrorism funding provides for a bit more than just a few overseas Intelligence detectives. And that's really all I can discuss at this point.)
And don't even get me started on where Charlie is with all this. IAB is bursting apart at the seems here. I've ordered an immediate inventory of the department's current fresh cheese supplies. I suspect we may have run out of cheese and we all know a rat can't operate well on an empty stomach.
Update: Mordechai reports the rendition has been completed. They hit a few snags along the way. Apparently the rat expelled fecal matter into the interior of his uniform pants upon being informed that he would be occupying a foot post in the Brownsville Houses until further notice. Fresh uniform pants were quickly located and the rat is now proceeding with his nightmare assignment: real police work.
Maybe we're not pulling these press credentials quickly enough. I left a message on Paul's phone. This is unacceptable. As to this rat, I have dispatched Mordechai and his team. By tomorrow morning, this "detective" will be living his worst nightmare. Mordechai is going to "render" this rat to a secret location, where he will be dressed in full uniform, given a vest, gunbelt, and radio, and will then be dropped off in the middle of the Brownsville Houses. Viper would have been too easy for this coward.
(Unfortunately, I can't reveal more about Mordechai, but let's just say David knows some people from his CIA days and the Police Foundation's counterterrorism funding provides for a bit more than just a few overseas Intelligence detectives. And that's really all I can discuss at this point.)
And don't even get me started on where Charlie is with all this. IAB is bursting apart at the seems here. I've ordered an immediate inventory of the department's current fresh cheese supplies. I suspect we may have run out of cheese and we all know a rat can't operate well on an empty stomach.
Update: Mordechai reports the rendition has been completed. They hit a few snags along the way. Apparently the rat expelled fecal matter into the interior of his uniform pants upon being informed that he would be occupying a foot post in the Brownsville Houses until further notice. Fresh uniform pants were quickly located and the rat is now proceeding with his nightmare assignment: real police work.
Friday, March 21, 2008
Inside CompStat: Why we don't count February 29
Paul just informed me about this article that criticizes us for supposedly "ignoring leap day crimes."
In this ridiculous article this "journalist" states:
"You have to go to the fine print—an asterisk at the bottom of the stats—to get what's kind of an explanation: "Crime figures for February 29, 2008 . . . were excluded to ensure accurate comparisons.""
Well, duh. How else would we continue to claim to be down in crime if we have to count crimes that occurred on a day that didn't even happen last year? Some journalist this clown is. I mean, there was no February 29, 2007, so why would we want to count that day this year? CompStat is all about numbers, folks. Mike tells me every single week that the numbers need to look great, otherwise I better start packing my suitcases. It's a team effort and I do my part.
And, of course, this prick had to bring up that jerk-off Bratton and what he does in Los Angeles:
" It's a no-brainer. One member of the LAPD CompStat unit, surprised that such a question about Leap Day stats would even come up, told the Voice: "That's a day. There was crime that day. So it was included.""
I've ordered Paul to make sure the author has his press credentials revoked and is permanently blacklisted. Because if I don't react quickly to this who knows what'll be printed up in the papers next, ie. "Rampant Index Crime Reclassification," "Complaint Downgrading," "Crimes Being Sent To Circular File," etc, etc. We can't have that.
In this ridiculous article this "journalist" states:
"You have to go to the fine print—an asterisk at the bottom of the stats—to get what's kind of an explanation: "Crime figures for February 29, 2008 . . . were excluded to ensure accurate comparisons.""
Well, duh. How else would we continue to claim to be down in crime if we have to count crimes that occurred on a day that didn't even happen last year? Some journalist this clown is. I mean, there was no February 29, 2007, so why would we want to count that day this year? CompStat is all about numbers, folks. Mike tells me every single week that the numbers need to look great, otherwise I better start packing my suitcases. It's a team effort and I do my part.
And, of course, this prick had to bring up that jerk-off Bratton and what he does in Los Angeles:
" It's a no-brainer. One member of the LAPD CompStat unit, surprised that such a question about Leap Day stats would even come up, told the Voice: "That's a day. There was crime that day. So it was included.""
I've ordered Paul to make sure the author has his press credentials revoked and is permanently blacklisted. Because if I don't react quickly to this who knows what'll be printed up in the papers next, ie. "Rampant Index Crime Reclassification," "Complaint Downgrading," "Crimes Being Sent To Circular File," etc, etc. We can't have that.
Thursday, March 20, 2008
Where the hell is Charlie?
So we just had another little scandal involving a Captain who apparently forged some time sheets while he was assigned to the Rat Squad as a Lieutenant. Before this stuff starts really snowballing out of control I wanted to find out from Charlie himself just what exactly is going on with his bureau. How could he not have caught this a long time ago?
Anyway, I was going to call him up and have him come to my office. But then I remembered that he doesn't do the whole "show up at the Commissioner's office for a briefing" thing anymore. As of late I'm afraid he's gotten a bit too much into this whole cloak and dagger fantasy of his. He prefers to "stay in the shadows" (his words), as if he's some kind of CIA operative or something. I haven't even seen the man in over a year; and judging from all the scandals that have been happening lately, it seems to be showing in his work - or lack thereof. I'm not even sure if Charlie does any Internal Affairs-ish type stuff anymore.
Sometimes I even wonder if he's actually completely lost his mind. The last time I saw him was towards the end of 2006. He insisted on meeting me in some deserted industrial warehouse area out on Staten Island at 0200 hours in the morning. On the way over he kept calling me up on my cell phone and telling me to "make sure" I wasn't "being followed." And when I arrived at the meeting location he started screaming and raving about how I hadn't brought "the package" (by which he apparently meant an ample supply of cheese, though it took a lot of coaxing for him to finally translate his codeword for me). On top of that, he was wearing an ankle long trenchcoat with a fedora on his head. He hadn't shaved in what looked like months, as his whiskers were sticking out the sides of his face at ridiculous lengths. I was too afraid to quote Patrol Guide procedure on proper grooming for fear of setting him off on another insanely unintelligible rant.
Despite all this, I figured I might as well give it a shot and try to get in touch with him. Unfortunately, his cell phone number is out-of-service. I called his office but was stonewalled by some clown in "Group 32" who would only identify himself as "Investigator 312," who claimed he was under strict orders not to reveal Charlie's location. These guys were really starting to take the cake now. "You clowns couldn't tell what an internal investigation was if it hit you in the head and you're telling me you're refusing to disclose Charlie's location to the POLICE COMMISSIONER?" I was fuming. Investigator 312 simply said "We'll be in touch" and hung up.
I don't know what the hell Charlie has created here, but this isn't exactly the Internal Affairs Bureau I had in mind when I gave him the job. Holy shit, this guy is scaring me.
If anybody sees Charlie, please call me up. Immediately.
Anyway, I was going to call him up and have him come to my office. But then I remembered that he doesn't do the whole "show up at the Commissioner's office for a briefing" thing anymore. As of late I'm afraid he's gotten a bit too much into this whole cloak and dagger fantasy of his. He prefers to "stay in the shadows" (his words), as if he's some kind of CIA operative or something. I haven't even seen the man in over a year; and judging from all the scandals that have been happening lately, it seems to be showing in his work - or lack thereof. I'm not even sure if Charlie does any Internal Affairs-ish type stuff anymore.
Sometimes I even wonder if he's actually completely lost his mind. The last time I saw him was towards the end of 2006. He insisted on meeting me in some deserted industrial warehouse area out on Staten Island at 0200 hours in the morning. On the way over he kept calling me up on my cell phone and telling me to "make sure" I wasn't "being followed." And when I arrived at the meeting location he started screaming and raving about how I hadn't brought "the package" (by which he apparently meant an ample supply of cheese, though it took a lot of coaxing for him to finally translate his codeword for me). On top of that, he was wearing an ankle long trenchcoat with a fedora on his head. He hadn't shaved in what looked like months, as his whiskers were sticking out the sides of his face at ridiculous lengths. I was too afraid to quote Patrol Guide procedure on proper grooming for fear of setting him off on another insanely unintelligible rant.
Despite all this, I figured I might as well give it a shot and try to get in touch with him. Unfortunately, his cell phone number is out-of-service. I called his office but was stonewalled by some clown in "Group 32" who would only identify himself as "Investigator 312," who claimed he was under strict orders not to reveal Charlie's location. These guys were really starting to take the cake now. "You clowns couldn't tell what an internal investigation was if it hit you in the head and you're telling me you're refusing to disclose Charlie's location to the POLICE COMMISSIONER?" I was fuming. Investigator 312 simply said "We'll be in touch" and hung up.
I don't know what the hell Charlie has created here, but this isn't exactly the Internal Affairs Bureau I had in mind when I gave him the job. Holy shit, this guy is scaring me.
If anybody sees Charlie, please call me up. Immediately.
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
We have 309 electric typewriters
I was leafing through my special commissioner's copy of the NY Post this morning when I stumbled across this article.
"It's the age of high-tech, but the city has just issued a $982,269 contract for manual and electric typewriters and supplies such as typewriter ribbons."
"NYPD spokesman Paul Browne said the department has 309 electric typewriters that are used by detective squads and in precinct complaint rooms."
I was munching on a bowl of corn flakes and literally spit milk all over my desk when I read this. I, of course, called up Paul to grill him about this. "Paul, you mean to tell me that we're seriously blowing over $900,000 on electric typewriters in the year 2008?" Paul started blathering out his usual public relations bovine excrement to try to justify this idiocy, so I just hung up. I wasn't about to waste 10 minutes of my life listening to Paul make up stupid excuses. Who am I, the press?
But what really got me was this:
"'The people who use typewriters use them for a special purpose, usually to fill out multipart forms,' explained Ed Michael, sales manager of Swintec Corp. of Moonachie, NJ, which has the five-year contract."
Yeah, Ed, that might have been a good explanation in freakin' 1960 when I was a still a cadet typing up "multipart forms" in the precinct offices. This is 2008. What is Mike, asleep at the wheel? Who the f#@$ in their right mind authorizes a budget that includes expenditures of nearly a million bucks to maintain TYPEWRITERS?
And I thought my legacy was going to be as the commissioner who modernized the police department and brought it into the 21st century. Good luck to myself with that one. It seems I can build all the real-time crime centers I want, it won't matter when Paul is having the press print stories about how we're using 300+ bloody typewriters. TYPEWRITERS. Dammit, and now I still have to clean up all that milk and bits of cereal I spilled all over my office because the department supposedly can't afford to hire cleaners who actually do any cleaning around here.
"It's the age of high-tech, but the city has just issued a $982,269 contract for manual and electric typewriters and supplies such as typewriter ribbons."
"NYPD spokesman Paul Browne said the department has 309 electric typewriters that are used by detective squads and in precinct complaint rooms."
I was munching on a bowl of corn flakes and literally spit milk all over my desk when I read this. I, of course, called up Paul to grill him about this. "Paul, you mean to tell me that we're seriously blowing over $900,000 on electric typewriters in the year 2008?" Paul started blathering out his usual public relations bovine excrement to try to justify this idiocy, so I just hung up. I wasn't about to waste 10 minutes of my life listening to Paul make up stupid excuses. Who am I, the press?
But what really got me was this:
"'The people who use typewriters use them for a special purpose, usually to fill out multipart forms,' explained Ed Michael, sales manager of Swintec Corp. of Moonachie, NJ, which has the five-year contract."
Yeah, Ed, that might have been a good explanation in freakin' 1960 when I was a still a cadet typing up "multipart forms" in the precinct offices. This is 2008. What is Mike, asleep at the wheel? Who the f#@$ in their right mind authorizes a budget that includes expenditures of nearly a million bucks to maintain TYPEWRITERS?
And I thought my legacy was going to be as the commissioner who modernized the police department and brought it into the 21st century. Good luck to myself with that one. It seems I can build all the real-time crime centers I want, it won't matter when Paul is having the press print stories about how we're using 300+ bloody typewriters. TYPEWRITERS. Dammit, and now I still have to clean up all that milk and bits of cereal I spilled all over my office because the department supposedly can't afford to hire cleaners who actually do any cleaning around here.
Saturday, January 12, 2008
Visit to BCB
I decided to find out just how things work at BCB last night. So I ordered my protective detail to drive me to the 67, where we picked out a prisoner who was ready to go.
I proceeded to cuff up my prisoner and get him ready for transport to BCB. Of course, I knew full well that I'd get put into the express line at BCB if I showed up as myself to lodge this clown. Luckily though, Dave, my deputy commissioner of Intelligence, is an ex-CIA man. He was able to get me one of those Mission Impossible-style realistic face masks. I threw on a uniform along with an old white shield to complete the disguise.
Time: 1905 hrs - Arriving at BCB
When we finally got to BCB, we couldn't find any parking. We had to park on the sidewalk. Some old lady walking her dog complained about "that damned police department, always blocking my sidewalk!" She shuffled off, loudly proclaiming that she was headed straight to the nearest precinct to file a CCRB.
I was dumbfounded that I had to walk this guy down a long ramp. Seems awfully insecure. I got to the entrance and pressed the buzzer. The Corrections Officer inside must have been on a coffee break or something, because it took several minutes before the door was buzzed open. Almost as soon as I stepped inside, an unpleasant voice barked that I should "shut off that damned radio, we don't want to hear that crap in here." I nearly punched that prick in the face as he sat behind his stupid little photo computer, but my detail detective who was playing the role of my partner for the night gently nudged me to remind me not to blow my cover. After securing my weapons, I stepped back out only to see a vacant chair behind the photo computer.
Time: 1910 hrs - Photo station
"Where the hell did he go?" I asked. "He went 63," one of the numerous officers waiting around informed me. I sighed and filled out the log book with my information and lock number. We stood around like a bunch of idiots for a half hour before another photo "expert" arrived to start the processing. I still don't understand why one needs special training to be qualified to click a couple of buttons on a computer screen. Anyway, our prisoner got his photo taken and a fresh movement slip was printed out. I looked at it and noticed the barcode. "So we just scan this barcode here at the next processing area?" I asked. It made sense to me at the time, but everybody turned and looked at me like I was mentally retarded. "Rookie, this is the NYPD," laughed the rubber gun clown sitting next to the "photographer."
Time: 1940 hrs - Prisoner search area
Moving on to the search area, I discovered that I have to once again fill out a log book. This time, with the prisoner's information. The search desk was occupied by some civilian wearing a white shirt that looked like it hadn't been washed in 30 years. He barked at me to "hurry up, I don't have all day!" Apparently he didn't appreciate my suggestion that he might "relax for a few seconds," as he then announced he was going on meal and walked out.
A full hour and five minutes later, the civilian with the dirty shirt returned. (I made a mental note to have some green paper sent his way on Monday for overextending his meal time.) The search itself took less than five minutes.
Time: 2050 hrs - EMS interview
With the search completed, I escorted my prisoner down to the EMS area. I had asked him on the trip to BCB if he had any medical conditions. He said he didn't. There were quite a few guys ahead of us, so we ended up waiting around for a half hour before we went to EMS. After what seemed like an eternity, my prisoner finally emerged, bearing his paperwork with "walk-thru" written all over it. I was starting to get irritated. "WTF is this?" The perp shrugged. I snatched up the paperwork and went into the EMS office. Some ugly lady with blond hair informed me that since my prisoner had stubbed his toe when he was 5 years old, he was now designated as a "walk-thru." I screamed "bullshit" at her and accused her of inventing reasons to make our lives harder. I then slammed the door as she was wailing something about "informing" my "supervisor" about my "behavior."
I'll have to give Mike a call and see if we can't do something about transferring this bitch back out into the field.
Time: 2130 hrs - CJA interview
Anyway, on to this "CJA" interview. There was nobody there. After standing around for twenty minutes, I got tired of waiting. I walked into their little office in the back. Some asshat was sitting in a chair with his feet up on the table, chatting on the cell phone. He looked at me and said he'd be out "in a minute." Whatever. He finally came out and talked to my perp for ten minutes. I got my paperwork back after he dispensed the "CJA" stamp of approval on it.
Time: 2200 hrs - Walk-thru procedure
So, yeah, there's not really a "procedure" as I found out. Not a sensible one, anyway. It actually involved escorting the crook upstairs, where I was promptly greeted by a bunch of unfriendly old civilian hags. One of them snatched my paperwork and mumbled something about putting "him in cell #2." I dutifully did so and asked if that was all. She smirked and said "now you have to wait for him to see the judge."
So I waited around in this cramped little space with 8 other cops, all the while getting bitched at by civilians who kept whining that we were "obstructing the halls." They didn't particularly appreciate my question as to where they suggest I might alternately wait.
Time: 0100 hrs - Court closes
Hmph. Court closed without my prisoner being seen by the judge. "Now what?" "Take him back to your command," the unfriendly civilian lady said. I took my prisoner and we returned him to the 67.
Back at my office
Well, it turns out I wasted over six hours of my life last night. For absolutely no reason. I called Joe into my office and asked him why we utilize such an idiotic procedure for "walk-thrus." "Joe, why is there one body assigned to each walk-thru prisoner?" "Well, commish, we do that in case he has to go to the hospital." "How many of these clowns actually end up needing medical treatment before they see the judge?" "I don't know." "Give me a ballpark estimate, Joe. Because when I was there last night, there were 9 of us standing around like morons, and not one of the prisoners needed any treatment." "Uhh, I'd say, maybe 10%?" "So, why are we assigning cops to 100% of the prisoners if we really only need 10%?"
Joe was getting visibly embarrassed, so I decided to drop the matter for the time being. Maybe we need to establish BCBStat to clean this place up.
I proceeded to cuff up my prisoner and get him ready for transport to BCB. Of course, I knew full well that I'd get put into the express line at BCB if I showed up as myself to lodge this clown. Luckily though, Dave, my deputy commissioner of Intelligence, is an ex-CIA man. He was able to get me one of those Mission Impossible-style realistic face masks. I threw on a uniform along with an old white shield to complete the disguise.
Time: 1905 hrs - Arriving at BCB
When we finally got to BCB, we couldn't find any parking. We had to park on the sidewalk. Some old lady walking her dog complained about "that damned police department, always blocking my sidewalk!" She shuffled off, loudly proclaiming that she was headed straight to the nearest precinct to file a CCRB.
I was dumbfounded that I had to walk this guy down a long ramp. Seems awfully insecure. I got to the entrance and pressed the buzzer. The Corrections Officer inside must have been on a coffee break or something, because it took several minutes before the door was buzzed open. Almost as soon as I stepped inside, an unpleasant voice barked that I should "shut off that damned radio, we don't want to hear that crap in here." I nearly punched that prick in the face as he sat behind his stupid little photo computer, but my detail detective who was playing the role of my partner for the night gently nudged me to remind me not to blow my cover. After securing my weapons, I stepped back out only to see a vacant chair behind the photo computer.
Time: 1910 hrs - Photo station
"Where the hell did he go?" I asked. "He went 63," one of the numerous officers waiting around informed me. I sighed and filled out the log book with my information and lock number. We stood around like a bunch of idiots for a half hour before another photo "expert" arrived to start the processing. I still don't understand why one needs special training to be qualified to click a couple of buttons on a computer screen. Anyway, our prisoner got his photo taken and a fresh movement slip was printed out. I looked at it and noticed the barcode. "So we just scan this barcode here at the next processing area?" I asked. It made sense to me at the time, but everybody turned and looked at me like I was mentally retarded. "Rookie, this is the NYPD," laughed the rubber gun clown sitting next to the "photographer."
Time: 1940 hrs - Prisoner search area
Moving on to the search area, I discovered that I have to once again fill out a log book. This time, with the prisoner's information. The search desk was occupied by some civilian wearing a white shirt that looked like it hadn't been washed in 30 years. He barked at me to "hurry up, I don't have all day!" Apparently he didn't appreciate my suggestion that he might "relax for a few seconds," as he then announced he was going on meal and walked out.
A full hour and five minutes later, the civilian with the dirty shirt returned. (I made a mental note to have some green paper sent his way on Monday for overextending his meal time.) The search itself took less than five minutes.
Time: 2050 hrs - EMS interview
With the search completed, I escorted my prisoner down to the EMS area. I had asked him on the trip to BCB if he had any medical conditions. He said he didn't. There were quite a few guys ahead of us, so we ended up waiting around for a half hour before we went to EMS. After what seemed like an eternity, my prisoner finally emerged, bearing his paperwork with "walk-thru" written all over it. I was starting to get irritated. "WTF is this?" The perp shrugged. I snatched up the paperwork and went into the EMS office. Some ugly lady with blond hair informed me that since my prisoner had stubbed his toe when he was 5 years old, he was now designated as a "walk-thru." I screamed "bullshit" at her and accused her of inventing reasons to make our lives harder. I then slammed the door as she was wailing something about "informing" my "supervisor" about my "behavior."
I'll have to give Mike a call and see if we can't do something about transferring this bitch back out into the field.
Time: 2130 hrs - CJA interview
Anyway, on to this "CJA" interview. There was nobody there. After standing around for twenty minutes, I got tired of waiting. I walked into their little office in the back. Some asshat was sitting in a chair with his feet up on the table, chatting on the cell phone. He looked at me and said he'd be out "in a minute." Whatever. He finally came out and talked to my perp for ten minutes. I got my paperwork back after he dispensed the "CJA" stamp of approval on it.
Time: 2200 hrs - Walk-thru procedure
So, yeah, there's not really a "procedure" as I found out. Not a sensible one, anyway. It actually involved escorting the crook upstairs, where I was promptly greeted by a bunch of unfriendly old civilian hags. One of them snatched my paperwork and mumbled something about putting "him in cell #2." I dutifully did so and asked if that was all. She smirked and said "now you have to wait for him to see the judge."
So I waited around in this cramped little space with 8 other cops, all the while getting bitched at by civilians who kept whining that we were "obstructing the halls." They didn't particularly appreciate my question as to where they suggest I might alternately wait.
Time: 0100 hrs - Court closes
Hmph. Court closed without my prisoner being seen by the judge. "Now what?" "Take him back to your command," the unfriendly civilian lady said. I took my prisoner and we returned him to the 67.
Back at my office
Well, it turns out I wasted over six hours of my life last night. For absolutely no reason. I called Joe into my office and asked him why we utilize such an idiotic procedure for "walk-thrus." "Joe, why is there one body assigned to each walk-thru prisoner?" "Well, commish, we do that in case he has to go to the hospital." "How many of these clowns actually end up needing medical treatment before they see the judge?" "I don't know." "Give me a ballpark estimate, Joe. Because when I was there last night, there were 9 of us standing around like morons, and not one of the prisoners needed any treatment." "Uhh, I'd say, maybe 10%?" "So, why are we assigning cops to 100% of the prisoners if we really only need 10%?"
Joe was getting visibly embarrassed, so I decided to drop the matter for the time being. Maybe we need to establish BCBStat to clean this place up.
Wednesday, January 2, 2008
Good riddance to the morons
Joe just brought in the latest resignation list. I almost spilled my coffee all over the morning paper. These idiots are quitting before even hitting the streets.
I'm sorry, but if you go through six months of academy training and then quit before even finishing the orientation days, you're a moron. I'm not even saying this because we need those C summonses to be issued to keep a lid on quality-of-life conditions. I mean good grief. They graduated on Thursday, spent the next day sitting around doing nothing productive, got the weekend off, had to do the New Year's detail (my, what difficult work) and then spent another day sitting around again.
Yet some of these retards are resigning already. I just had to find out what the reason for this kind of brainless behavior is, so I had Charlie "obtain" (don't ask) a page from the private journal of one of the rooks in question:
----
12/27/07: wowz its grajeuashion omg lolz im so ixsited!!!
12/28/07: OMFG!!!! BROOKLYN NORTH???!?!? WTF!?!? IM SO SCARED!!!! OMG I CANT DOO THIS!!
12/29/07: RDO sat partiez wit friendz
12/30/07: RDO sun more partiez wit friendz
12/31/07: OMG so stressful 13 HOURS in TIMES SQUARE. OMG so much work!
1/1/08: omg they talked about working LATE NIGHT?!?!? OMG WTF?!?! they said we WILL BE OUT ON FOOT?!?!? NO CAR?!?!? WTF?!?! I CANT WORK A FOOT POST IN THE STREET OMFG ITS SOOOOO SCARY OUT THERE OMG CRIMINALS WITH GUNS, OMFG IM GOING TO RESIGN F*%@ THIS NYPD S&*T!!!!!
----
I've seen quite a few morons on this job but these latest dumb-asses really take the cake.
Now I think here is something we can all agree on: if you take a new job, give it a shot for at least, I don't know, a few months before you up and quit without having even flipping done the job in the first place.
Although, frankly, if someone is that much of a loser or coward, then I say good riddance to these particular clowns. Seriously. What a disgrace.
Note: I promised Mike I wouldn't blame this situation on the measly starting salary and atrociously uncompetitive top base pay, which I do, so I hereby officially won't. Mike is worried about his upcoming presidential campaign bid and the PERB hearings and all that business-ish stuff he does, so I wouldn't want to generate any bad press for him by blaming this squarely on his inept negotiating tactics. So, again, it's not Mike's fault.
I'm sorry, but if you go through six months of academy training and then quit before even finishing the orientation days, you're a moron. I'm not even saying this because we need those C summonses to be issued to keep a lid on quality-of-life conditions. I mean good grief. They graduated on Thursday, spent the next day sitting around doing nothing productive, got the weekend off, had to do the New Year's detail (my, what difficult work) and then spent another day sitting around again.
Yet some of these retards are resigning already. I just had to find out what the reason for this kind of brainless behavior is, so I had Charlie "obtain" (don't ask) a page from the private journal of one of the rooks in question:
----
12/27/07: wowz its grajeuashion omg lolz im so ixsited!!!
12/28/07: OMFG!!!! BROOKLYN NORTH???!?!? WTF!?!? IM SO SCARED!!!! OMG I CANT DOO THIS!!
12/29/07: RDO sat partiez wit friendz
12/30/07: RDO sun more partiez wit friendz
12/31/07: OMG so stressful 13 HOURS in TIMES SQUARE. OMG so much work!
1/1/08: omg they talked about working LATE NIGHT?!?!? OMG WTF?!?! they said we WILL BE OUT ON FOOT?!?!? NO CAR?!?!? WTF?!?! I CANT WORK A FOOT POST IN THE STREET OMFG ITS SOOOOO SCARY OUT THERE OMG CRIMINALS WITH GUNS, OMFG IM GOING TO RESIGN F*%@ THIS NYPD S&*T!!!!!
----
I've seen quite a few morons on this job but these latest dumb-asses really take the cake.
Now I think here is something we can all agree on: if you take a new job, give it a shot for at least, I don't know, a few months before you up and quit without having even flipping done the job in the first place.
Although, frankly, if someone is that much of a loser or coward, then I say good riddance to these particular clowns. Seriously. What a disgrace.
Note: I promised Mike I wouldn't blame this situation on the measly starting salary and atrociously uncompetitive top base pay, which I do, so I hereby officially won't. Mike is worried about his upcoming presidential campaign bid and the PERB hearings and all that business-ish stuff he does, so I wouldn't want to generate any bad press for him by blaming this squarely on his inept negotiating tactics. So, again, it's not Mike's fault.
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