I am Boss Kelly

I am, of course, generally known as an extremely humble person, but I would be remiss if I didn't point my loyal readers to this marvelous piece of journalism published last May by my wonderful friends at New York Magazine. Just look at that photograph. I look like a man in charge, don't I? Boss Kelly. That really says it all. I'd just like to share a quote from this incredible piece with you:

“He is a gadget geek who raves about his iPods and iPad, and his SUV is a roving bunker that, like most of his additions to the Police Department in the last eight years, has been outfitted with the latest technology. In front of him is a computer on a flat screen, a mahogany foldout desk, a television wired to a satellite dish on the roof, a VCR, a DVD player, a fax machine, two hard-line phones, a flexy reading lamp, a variety of police radios cued in to the city’s 76 police precincts and other commands—like the Barn, where the NYPD’s counterterrorism unit is stationed—pouches stuffed with dossiers, and all the morning’s newspapers.”

What they forgot to mention is that the IBM Selectric typewriter is noticeably absent from my impressive lineup of high tech gear. You know, those devices that every precinct in the city still has to use to get work done. The ones we spent a million bucks on last year. But pretty please don't tell anyone this because I really love all my exclusive commissioner's gadgets and I'd hate for Mike to catch wind of this and take them away from me.

Now if you'll excuse me, I need to locate the nearest Dunkin' Donuts on my iPad and grab an iced cappuccino. Decaf. Because some idiot lieutenant who had his laptop stolen is banging away on a typewriter next door to my office vouchering photographs for evidence and it's giving me a headache.

Paul tried to shut me up

My Dear Readers,

I won't go into too much detail, but suffice it to say Paul doesn't like this whole blogging thing. He's always saying vague things about "public relations coherency" and waxing philosophical about having a "unified PR mouthpiece" and other such things that make me think he must have formerly headed a politburo.

So, anyway, he came up with this seemingly brilliant plan that I should submit all drafts of my blog posts to his minions at DCPI for "editing." Well, as it turns out, they've been editing every word until there was nothing left at all. I told him he's an asshole and that I'll be blogging on my own again, without his interference.