The smartest guy ever born



As many of you already know, I was forced to issue a "strong defense" of Phil, my Chief of Detectives. For some reason a bunch of obviously lazy detectives are going around bitching about "duplicative paperwork" and are accusing Phil of "hampering" their investigations. Therefore, let me just cut to the chase: Phil is, without a doubt, the smartest guy ever born in the history of civilization. It's true. As I said in my statement:

"Chief Pulaski is a consummate professional whose outstanding work ethic, experience, training and intellect are unrivaled in the distinguished annals of the Detective Bureau. He has high standards and he insists on accountability, traits that are to be encouraged and admired in a leader."

Off the record, I have to admit that my public relations man, Paul, has really outdone himself with that quote. I don't think even the Soviets ever managed to cram this much tripe into only two sentences. "The distinguished annals of the Detective Bureau"? I mean, seriously, who the fuck comes up with stuff like that?

As to the criticisms this so-called "committee" is presenting, what's the big deal? A couple of logbooks and checklists never hurt anyone. In fact, I am so impressed by Phil's intellect and consummate professionalism that I asked him to dedicate an hour of his precious time coming up with a plan to improve my own day-to-day workflow. He quickly implemented a set of brilliant procedures, as evidenced by a sample of my day:

0615 hrs - I finish showering and add a line to the Shower Log: "0600 hrs - P.C. Raymond W. Kelly - Shower utilized."

0630 hrs - My protective detail swings by my apartment. They sign in at the new P.C. Apartment Protective Detail Sign In/Out Log.

0635 hrs - I get in my roving bunker SUV but quickly realize that I forgot to complete the Commissioner's Apartment Movement Log. I run back inside and add a new entry: "0635 hrs - P.C. Raymond W. Kelly - Leaving residence via P.C.'s SUV."

0638 hrs - "Don't forget to sign in the logbook, boss." The detective hands me the Roving Bunker Vehicle Utilization Log. After squinting to read the gas indicator and odometer, I add the appropriate entry: "0638 hrs - P.C. Raymond W. Kelly - gas 3/4, odometer: 7893.2." I duplicate the same entry in the Roving Bunker Vehicle Movement Log.

Phil immediately made a note at this point upon reviewing the logbooks: "Does it really take three whole minutes to get from the apartment to the SUV?" Hmm. Excellent point. Kissing Veronica good-bye does seem to waste precious seconds.

0645 hrs - The detective riding shotgun asks me if we are making the customary stop for coffee. I answer in the affirmative. He grabs the Roving Bunker Vehicle Movement Log and adds a line to document the stop as we pull up in front of Dunkin' Donuts.

0648 hrs - I grab the Coffee Acquisition Investigatory Checklist before jumping out of my SUV. I proceed to order the usual decaf iced cappuccino. I'm not sure why, but the folks at this D&D seem particularly annoyed as I verify each bullet point on the list while sipping on my cappuccino.

0715 hrs - Half-way through the extensive checklist the manager asks me to never visit his establishment again. Baffled, I return to my vehicle and one of the detectives makes an entry in the Roving Bunker Vehicle Movement Log.

0716 hrs - I turn my attention to the plethora of newspapers that I get each day. I nearly forget to fill out the Newspaper Receipt Log for each paper.

0728 hrs - Arrival at the Puzzle Palace. I sign in the Police Commissioner's Elevator Utilization Log.

0730 hrs - Arrival at the office. Due to the fact that we got stuck in traffic earlier, I add an appropriate notation in the Unusual Traffic Delay Log.

Phil noted at this point that there were some timeline discrepancies in the Foot Movement Log, which is prepared for any time that I get out of the SUV and walk on foot. For instance, the Foot Movement Log put me at HQ at 0729 hrs, even though the Police Commissioner's Elevator Utilization Log says I was there are 0728 hrs.

Anyway, I think you probably get the picture by now. Most people would call this micromanagement. I simply call it "accountability." Paul summed it up succinctly:

“It’s absurd to suggest that the Chief’s insistence on accountability would negatively impact clearance rates,” police spokesman Paul Browne responded in an e-mail.

Absurd indeed.

 

I am Boss Kelly

I am, of course, generally known as an extremely humble person, but I would be remiss if I didn't point my loyal readers to this marvelous piece of journalism published last May by my wonderful friends at New York Magazine. Just look at that photograph. I look like a man in charge, don't I? Boss Kelly. That really says it all. I'd just like to share a quote from this incredible piece with you:

“He is a gadget geek who raves about his iPods and iPad, and his SUV is a roving bunker that, like most of his additions to the Police Department in the last eight years, has been outfitted with the latest technology. In front of him is a computer on a flat screen, a mahogany foldout desk, a television wired to a satellite dish on the roof, a VCR, a DVD player, a fax machine, two hard-line phones, a flexy reading lamp, a variety of police radios cued in to the city’s 76 police precincts and other commands—like the Barn, where the NYPD’s counterterrorism unit is stationed—pouches stuffed with dossiers, and all the morning’s newspapers.”

What they forgot to mention is that the IBM Selectric typewriter is noticeably absent from my impressive lineup of high tech gear. You know, those devices that every precinct in the city still has to use to get work done. The ones we spent a million bucks on last year. But pretty please don't tell anyone this because I really love all my exclusive commissioner's gadgets and I'd hate for Mike to catch wind of this and take them away from me.

Now if you'll excuse me, I need to locate the nearest Dunkin' Donuts on my iPad and grab an iced cappuccino. Decaf. Because some idiot lieutenant who had his laptop stolen is banging away on a typewriter next door to my office vouchering photographs for evidence and it's giving me a headache.

Paul tried to shut me up

My Dear Readers,

I won't go into too much detail, but suffice it to say Paul doesn't like this whole blogging thing. He's always saying vague things about "public relations coherency" and waxing philosophical about having a "unified PR mouthpiece" and other such things that make me think he must have formerly headed a politburo.

So, anyway, he came up with this seemingly brilliant plan that I should submit all drafts of my blog posts to his minions at DCPI for "editing." Well, as it turns out, they've been editing every word until there was nothing left at all. I told him he's an asshole and that I'll be blogging on my own again, without his interference.