The Times is in love with me

Folks, a real treat will be arriving at your front door steps or at the local newsstand in the form of page A13 of the New York Times this morning. It is a beautifully articulated piece about my tasteful sense of style. In particular it concerns my tie collection. Of course, I was also able to throw in a bit about how this relates to my Marine Corps leadership traits:

"At the same time, he concedes that his ties are an insight into his ethos, and that wearing them fulfills one of the Marine Corps leadership traits — bearing — that calls for “creating a favorable impression in carriage, appearance and personal conduct at all times.” If those in his 35,000-member police force emulate his immaculately tailored looks, that is a positive to him."

"Immaculately tailored looks." Isn't that just wonderful? As to emulating me, it's a nice thought, but do these guys have any idea what kind of low-grade crap we sell at the Equipment Section? Immaculately tailored is certainly not the first word that comes to mind there.

Now if only Paul would finally shut up and stop asking me what exactly I promised the New York Times in return for this fluff piece. Really, it wasn't much, really not worth mentioning. These guys will practically kiss my ass for anything. I think the Times might just soon be replacing the Economist as my favorite paper if they keep up this great work (so you better watch it you British bastards).

Keep smiling, Billy Boy

Yeah, you keep smiling, Billy Boy. Enjoy hogging that media limelight while it lasts. You want to run for mayor in 2013? IT'S FRIGGIN' ON, TOUGH GUY! Oh and don't even think about parking your car anywhere in this city, ever. I have directed the Traffic guys to create a new unit just for you: The Bill Bratton Special Traffic Enforcement Unit.

And Mordechai is going to follow you everywhere. YOU WON'T EVEN BE ABLE TO TAKE A DUMP WITHOUT ME KNOWING ABOUT IT, BILLY BOY!

I just destroyed my chair

Dear Sheeple,

I always make sure Paul sends me the LA Times as part of my special Commissioner's morning newspaper package. I do this to keep tabs on my arch nemesis Bill Bratton over at the LAPD. I even ordered the DCPI's office to text message me instantly whenever anything concerning that loser appears in any online press stories. So they just texted me this LA Times story a few hours ago. The bastard is resigning!

Now that in and of itself didn't really concern me all that much, until I read the following line in the article:

"Bratton is expected to relocate to New York City to run the firm."

My reaction upon reading that sentence was not pretty at all. Have you ever had one of those moments where reading something in the newspaper literally causes you to have an explosive diarrhetic attack? Well, let's just say I had to put in a call to the quartermaster's unit to requisition a new office chair. Oh, and my favorite Martin Greenfield suit is no longer wearable. Dammit.

Anyway, so supposedly Billy boy is coming to the city to run some kind of private security firm. Yeah, sure. I bet he had a meeting with Mike. That backstabbing bastard is going to show me the door and boot me out when he wins his third term. Just yesterday at a campaign reception I walked up to Mike for a little chit chat and without even acknowledging me he summoned his chief of staff, who in turn told me to "walk away, enjoy the caviar, and then quietly leave. And don't show up to these events again, ever." What a bunch of assholes.

Something is up and I don't like it.