Rumor denial regarding transfer requests

Paul always says that the number one rule of effective press manipulation is to get out in front of any negative rumors and completely deny them.

Well, one rumor flying around has been that I allegedly take low-level personnel transfer requests home on the weekends to review them. And when I say low-level we're talking like the police department version of a Fortune 500 company CEO involving himself in which building janitor #78 wants to be transferred to in order to perform his toilet cleaning tasks. Unfortunately, since this rumor absolutely, one hundred percent true, I am hereby denying that I ever do anything remotely like that. I may be an extreme micromanager but come on, what would that make me look like to the public if I admitted that I actually involve myself personally in such ridiculously petty day-to-day personnel decisions?

Really, folks. Seriously. Would the CEO of, say, Intel, concern himself with whether or not Jose at building #1 of the Mexico factory wants to transfer to a spot at building #2? Clearly such a CEO would have to be brain damaged to the point of being classified a vegetable to care about such mundane nonsense. So, all you pricks spreading this little tidbit about my managerial style around can go to hell. My wife already whines enough about how I bring stacks of these transfer requests home and stay up pacing back and forth in my study, ranting and raving delusionally into the early hours of the morning. So I don't want to hear complaints from anyone else.

Micromanagement is the best thing since sliced bread

I subscribe to a particular management school of thought referred to as "micromanagement." And the reason for this is quite concisely contained in the following quote, one of my personal favorites of all time:

"In a hierarchy, every employee tends to rise to his level of incompetence." - Laurence J. Peter

The New York Daily News published a horrible article yesterday, stating that "NYPD commanders are railing against a recent policy change that requires the police commissioner to sign off on what used to be routine staff transfers."

Well, duh, you stupidly bumbling moronic commanders. As Professor Peter points out in the above quotation, employees rise to their respective levels of incompetence. So, if every precinct or even borough commander is at his level of incompetence, how can I trust him to make a decision on his own? The answer is that I cannot.

Read what this whining little "ranking member of the brass" (and soon-to-be-not-so-ranking when Charlie finds out who this leaking bastard is) had to say:

"It sends a message that no one is trusted to make the right decision, even on the most local level."

I'm glad the message is finally getting through. Some say I'm a power mongering paranoid delusional retard for doing things like this, but the fact is I'm just being a damn good chief executive.

I do like how Paul dances around the subject:

"The commissioner has complete confidence in the staff - they are the people responsible for driving crime down 30% below where anyone thought it possible," Browne said."

God bless you if you actually believe the part about me having "complete confidence in the staff." I laughed so hard about that statement that I nearly fell off my chair.

On to the next little gem:

"It doesn't mean transfers won't be approved, it's just a chance to look at and review any wider impact."

I usually take between one and two years to "review" such important decisions. Micromanagement is where it's at, folks. You heard it here first.

Update: People are already e-mailing me asking if everyone rises to his level incompetence, how could it be that I have somehow escaped that fate? Well, my dear readers, I have long surpassed my level of incompetence. Therefore, I am no longer incompetent. Makes perfect sense.