A million bucks for typewriters

Those pricks at the Post just can't stop making me look bad. I've spent my entire tenure as Mike's police commissioner trying to build my image as being an innovative leader who brought the police department into the modern age, dare I say I consider myself a veritable Einstein of law enforcement. But then those dilettantes just had to go and print an article about how much money we're wasting on typewriters:

"The city is plunking down nearly $1 million on typewriters for its keystroke cops."

Paul, bless his communist-style propaganda dispensing heart, put the usual spin on things:

"The department also is working on software to eliminate the old machines, a rep said."

Not being one to take Paul's bovine excretions at face value like the press always does, I wanted a true picture of what's going on with this. I called up Jim (my top IT man) and asked him just exactly how long we've been "working on software to eliminate the old machines." He started to stutter like an incompetent CO who hadn't prepared for CompStat.

"Uhh, we've, uhh, kind of been on this since 1993, commish."

I had coffee exiting my nasal cavities at this point. It was all over my screen and keyboard. This guy had to be kidding me. "We've been at this for sixteen years and the best you idiots can do is come up with a revamped multipart form that still has to be done on a typewriter?" "Well, boss, these things take time. And, you know, people come and go, they retire, you know, people lose track of things." This was the last straw. Everybody has a goddamned excuse in this place. "I'm sorry, Jim, but you're an idiot. I bet a third rate computer science student could come up with a system in less than a week. What kind of circus are you running down there?"

I hung up on him. You might still see his name on our website as being the Deputy Commissioner of Technological Development, and you may or may not hear about this in a press release, but Jim is definitely done. I am cutting him out of the decision making process. MISD will now report directly to me.

P.S.: That loser Bratton just sent me a text message: "HAHAHAHAHA, just read the story in the NY Post. You know the NYC Transit Police had computerized property vouchering set up and running in 1993, right? You FAIL, Ray, LOL!!!" I tossed my iPhone through my office doorway. What a prick, it's not like he fared any better with this when he was running the show here.

Charlie has lost his mind

My god. Charlie is becoming a certified EDP. I don't recall ever telling him to do something this stupid:

"An NYPD sergeant and three officers were stripped of their guns and badges after they allegedly failed an integrity test and kept a bunch of hats and shirts that the Internal Affairs Bureau left on a Brooklyn street, police sources said.

Instead of bringing the found booty in for inventory, the cops gave them out to people in the neighborhood."

Yes, folks, imagine that: these terrible criminal cops engaged in some charity work and handed out a couple of worthless hats and shirts to the local kids and homeless crackheads! What an impressive corruption caper the Rat Squad got here!

Now I wish I could announce here that Charlie is done and being put out to pasture, but the trouble is, I don't even know where the hell the man is. I can't ever reach him to tell him to put in his papers for retirement (lord knows it's time for him to go) and the only time he pops up is at big events like the Academy graduation ceremony. But when I try to walk over to him at the coffee machine after such events he scurries away and disappears for weeks.

And then this morning I got a priority FedEx document sent to my apartment that said this:

"I know where you live. -- Yours truly, Charlie"

What the hell is that even supposed to mean? I mean, what the fuck? This guy is scary, let me tell you. He will literally invent dirt to bury you with if he wants to.