It seems that I have become something of a New York City fashion icon. Yet another magnificent piece about my refined taste and sense of style has been published by the wonderful folks at Men’s Wear News. I will need to remember to tell Paul to add these fine journalists to the priority press pass and parking placard lists. Just to give you a sense of how exquisite the article really is, here is one of my favorite quotations:
“Standing along the railing in a charcoal Martin Greenfield hand-tailored suit against the backdrop of lights speckling the skyline and the Queensboro Bridge—now the Ed Koch Bridge, whose new name is the cause célèbre that night—the only peep of bright is Kelly’s Charvet tie, so pink it practically reflects the faraway Pepsi-Cola sign.”
Martin Greenfield suits and Charvet ties. There’s nothing better. But as fine as these suits and ties are, what really makes them shine is that fact that yours truly is wearing them.
“He will not take credit, but under his watch the police department’s dress has improved.”
I must say, this journalist is the cream of the crop. She even recognized the deep sense of humbleness that pervades everything I do.
"'Detectives are looking better than ever before,' he admits. Do people work harder when they dress better? 'I think they feel better and that probably makes them work better,' he says."
Phil, a truly consummate professional, immediately confirmed this when I tweeted him the article. He says that New York City detectives have never looked better as they fumble through dozens of different case checklists, fill out a multitude of log books (for such things as vehicle utilization, telephone calls, sign in/sign out, prisoner debriefings, and so forth), update their DD5’s in the electronic case management system, type up arrays of useless cell phone subpoenas for cases where the phone has seen zero usage since it was stolen, call up IAB to obtain log numbers when they want to use department vehicles to go to court, and, of course, create corresponding essays in their memo books duplicating all the aforementioned information in all its glorious detail. And if any of the memo book entries are missing or the various logs have been improperly filled out, the detective will look quite "dignified and discreet" as he is issued his command discipline by Phil's upstanding henchmen in Inspections.
Phil, the smartest guy on this job, also added that our detectives really do feel better in their stylish suits as they try to jump-start the single working RMP assigned to their respective squad to go out to the latest homicide scene (where priority number one is going to be to make sure that the proper color of crime scene tape is being utilized so nobody gets screamed at in case Phil shows up - but they sure do look good in their suits while doing so).
And so I hope you can see that the brilliance that Phil has brought to the Detective Bureau is quite apparent. Between completing all this redundant paperwork and doing useless stuff to prepare for the squad commander’s upcoming grilling at CompStat, most detectives barely have a chance to go out in the field to conduct any investigations anymore. And that means their great looking suits won’t get ruined. Because a refined suit is what the Detective Bureau is all about.
Appearance, folks, appearance. That’s what it’s all about. (Well, that and useless redundancy. Actually really just anything that makes life miserable for the people who do field work.) That prick Bill Bratton had the broken windows strategy. I have the smoke and mirrors strategy.
Most importantly, though, I made sure to end the interview with the requisite tough guy quote:
“Now it is more speaking events with ties than wrestling with somebody in the good old days,” he says. But tie or no tie, “we will jump out of a car if something happens.”
Damn right. I am the man. I will jump out, direct my detail detectives to make the collar, and then the whole kit and caboodle will get handed off to some schmuck on patrol to process. And I won't have to fear a 10-day hit for failing to make "proper" memo book entries when I do "jump out of the car" and order someone else to take action.
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